None in the Family, Part One
by Kara Wild
Summary: Grandma Barksdale's 50th wedding anniversary party sets the stage for an disagreement between Daria and Amy and an eruption between Jake and Helen. Part 1 of 2. Written August 1999


"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is **not** an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... 

This is the seventh fic in my chronology, and the first of two parts. It follows

  1. "Rose-Colored Lenses," 
  2. "The Tie That Chokes," 
  3. "That Thing You Say," 
  4. "'Shipped Out," 
  5. "Andrea Speaks!" and 
  6. "Cheered Down."

I'd give it a 2S rating.......

First, let me say that in order to fully understand the references made in this two-parter, you'd be wise to read "The Tie That Chokes" and "That Thing You Say," if you haven't already done so. A lot of what happens here builds on what took place in those two fanfics.

Second, I want to thank C.E. Forman for letting me make some tie-ins to his fic, "Alienation Legacy." References to the "funeral," Aunt Ellie, the inheritance, and Grandma Barksdale's first name being "Evelyn," come from that fic.

Plus, unintentionally, I've used the same technique for the first part of my two-parter as C.E. Forman did for "Rain on Your Parade": the voice-over from the present. Oh well, consider it my homage. :-)

Whoo... I've been a long time away, and it's good to be back. Enjoy!!!

**Ten Spot Promo:** The spy woman is sitting in the chair, flatly refusing to let herself be tape-recorded. The official-looking man stares at her, and she stares back. Ooh, that one's intense...

[intro theme music...................]

# NONE IN THE FAMILY

## _PART ONE: THE OLD MAN_

_by_

## Kara Wild

* * *

**ACT ONE**

SCENE 1 (_a residential sidewalk, late Saturday afternoon_)

(Close-up shot of Jane, dressed in her workout get-up, jogging leisurely down the sidewalk. Suddenly,from off screen, we hear the squealing of tires. Jane cringes a little, but before she can turn to look, a blue car that's **supposed** to be a Lexus, but looks nothing like one, roars past. Jane stops and watches with amazement as it speeds away.)

**JANE:** (_hushed_) Geez, Grandma's house must've been hell. They weren't s'posed to get back 'til tomorrow.

(She frowns a "I wonder what's up?", shrugs, and goes into a full sprint over to the Morgendorffer house.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 2 (_Morgendorffer house_)

(Shot of the driveway, where we see that the car has come to a very crooked stop. As Jane is sprinting over, Jake leaps out and slams his door so hard the entire car shakes. His face bright red, he makes fists and shakes them in the air.)

**JAKE:** Gah **dammit**!!!!!

(Jane cringes, slows down, and comes to a stop a short distance away from Jake, who seems oblivious to everything but his own rage.)

**JAKE:** (_to an invisible person_) What d' you think of me **now** huh?!!! What d' you think of **that**?!!! (_gestures at the car, as if something significant has come from it._)

**JANE:** (_hushed_) Whew boy.

(Pause. Jake picks up on Jane's presence, and, enraged, barrels over to her. Jane looks freaked, but doesn't move. Jake stands over her.)

**JAKE:** Does **this** look like the face of someone who's INCOMPETENT?!! A **loser**?!! A **wimp**?!! A **crybaby**?!!

**JANE:** Um, no way. (_Bt_) You're all man, Mr. Morgendorffer.

**JAKE:** (_with some satisfaction_) Darn **right**, I am! (_Bt. to the invisible person_) HA! Did you hear **that**?!! **I'm** right **this** time! I'm RIGHT!!

(He then turns and runs off screen into the house. Jane watches him go, looking relieved and bewildered. We hear the sound of the front door slamming shut. Pause.)

**JANE:** (_hushed_) Call 911. The man's about to blow.

(Pause. We hear the soft sound of one of the back doors of the car slowly opening. Jane whirls around to look, surprised: she'd thought Jake was alone. We then hear the sound of the other back door opening, and see Daria and Quinn stumble out of the car, looking trashed.)

**JANE:** **Daria**?

(_Daria trudges over to her. Too weary to reply, she just smirks._)

**JANE:** You **okay**?

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_not quite with it_) I'm fine. (_Bt_) A little whiplash never hurt anybody.

**JANE:** Hmph, your **dad** sure seems to think so. (_Bt_) Don't tell me this little joyride's his idea of "spending quality time with the girls."

(_Quinn slithers over, utters a sharp laugh._)

**QUINN:** Good thing **Mom** didn't hear you say that.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** (_to Daria_) Where **is** your mother?

**DARIA:** Still at Grandma's.

**JANE:** Uh-oh. (_Bt_) I take it not all is well in the House of Morgendorffer?

**DARIA:** (_cocking an eyelid_) That's putting it mildly.

**JANE:** So what happened?

(_Beat. Daria sighs._)

**DARIA:** It's a long, strange story. And if you want to hear it, you'll have to brave sharing the house with my dad. 'Cause there's **no** way I can stand here long enough to tell it.

(_Jane shrugs._)

**JANE:** Sure, why not? (_Bt_) I could go for a little danger.

(Daria nods, too tired to come up with a suitable one-line response. She and Jane walk off screen, while Quinn continues to stand there.)

**DARIA:** (_off screen_) **Quinn**.

(Pause. Quinn still can't move, so Daria comes over and takes her by the arm. They walk off screen. fade-out.)

(_fade-in to: _)

SCENE 3 (_Daria's room_)

(Shot of Daria and Jane sitting on Daria's bed, listening to the distant sound of Jake's ranting. Jane looks fascinated and disturbed, while Daria is her usual impassive self.)

**JANE:** So when you visited Grandma, was **Grandpa** Morgendorffer there, too?

**DARIA:** Nope -- he's dead. (_Bt_) We almost joined him an hour ago.

**JANE:** I thought you were gonna see your **mother's** mother.

**DARIA:** Grandma Barksdale? Yeah, we did. (_Bt_) Today's her fiftieth wedding anniversary.

**JANE:** You don't say. (_Bt_) Would that mean a certain Famous Aunt was there to see her?

**DARIA:** Amy was there. They **all** were -- Aunt Amy, Aunt Rita, Erin, Brian... **Still** are, for all I know. And all were on hand to witness my parents' supreme blow-up.

**JANE:** (_wicked_) Ooh, this is sounding more interesting by the minute. (_Bt_) Well **fill** me in -- I wanna know all the details!

(_Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** (_sardonic_) Way to feel sympathy for me in my time of need.

**JANE:** Hey, if anyone needs sympathy, it's me. **Damn**, I wish I were a part of the Barksdale family.

**DARIA:** I can think of a few members who'd like to trade places with you. (_Bt. sighs_) Anyway, this whole thing started on the drive to Grandma's house...

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 4 (_beginning of flashback, Saturday morning_)

(Shot of the Lexus driving through Rutherford, the prosperous yet nondescript town of Helen's youth. Cut to shot of the four Morgendorffers sitting inside the car. We see that all four are dressed in some variety of semi-formal wear, even Daria. [Well actually, the only change Daria's made in her normal appearance is to wear the necklace well-known from her "Beavis & Butt-Head" days.] Everyone seems pretty calm, except for Helen.)

**DARIA:** (_present off screen voice-over_) Mom was in one of her moods -- cutting down Grandma while thinking of ways to butter her up so she'd give us some of her money.

**HELEN:** (_tense. irritated_) **Yes**, I'll admit that a fiftieth wedding anniversary **is** a milestone for any marriage, but **not** when both members of the couple aren't there to celebrate it. (_Bt_) Dad's been dead for twelve years -- **who** does she think she is?? (_falsetto_) "Oh, you **must** come, Helen. It's your family duty." Well **damn** her idea of family duty...

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** You really know how to set a good example, Mom.

**HELEN:** (_oblivious. to Jake_) My only hope is that by being there, Mother will see what two lovely girls we've raised an be willing to free us of the financial burden they've put us under.

**DARIA:** And your flattery moves me to tears.

**HELEN:** **Daria**, Quinn: be on your best behavior. Show Grandma all the wonderful qualities we see in you **every** day.

**JAKE:** Huh?

(_Daria rolls her eyes at Helen's advice. Helen looks at Jake, annoyed._)

**HELEN:** And as for **you**, Jake: while we're there, let **me** do most of the talking, all **right**??

**JAKE:** What for?

**HELEN:** What **for**?? (_rolls her eyes, as if the answer's obvious._) Because every time we see my family, you manage to get your foot **caught** in your mouth and can never get it out!

**JAKE:** Oh. (_to himself, bewildered_) **Every** time...?

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** (_chipper. wearing one of her serene smirks_) Can I tell Grandma 'bout how I was head cheerleader for a while an' then got made president of the Fashion Club? I think she'd really like that.

(_Daria rolls her eyes again._)

**HELEN:** Of **course** you can. (_Bt. wicked_) Just as long as you say it in front of Aunt Rita, dear.

(Cut to brief outside shot. The Lexus is now traveling down a residential street, past houses that seem well-suited for The Great Gatsby's East Egg. The houses, built in Colonial or Tudor styles, say "rich" without flaunting it. Resume inside shot.)

**QUINN:** I **love** talking to Grandma.

**DARIA:** Well that makes one of us.

**HELEN:** Daria!

**DARIA:** (_patient_) Mom, it's a well-known fact that Grandma hates the sound of my voice. She says it depresses her. And who am I to make that poor woman suffer?

(_Now Helen rolls her eyes._)

**HELEN:** Oh **honestly**, Daria, sometimes I wonder what I'm going to do with you...

**DARIA:** Leave me home during our next family outing?

(_Before Helen can reply, Jake breaks in, on a different track._)

**JAKE:** (_to Helen. enthused_) Boy, it's a shame your dad won't be here to celebrate with us. (_Bt_) Girls, Grandpa Barksdale was quite the man: firm, upright, commanding --

**HELEN:** (_hushed_) Not again...

**JAKE:** -- always knew the **right** thing to do.

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) A real American hero.

**JAKE:** That's right! (_Bt. gets a crazed look on his face._) Not like **some** fathers who **neglected** their sons when they weren't **mocking** them and cutting them down -- !

(Helen, Quinn, and Daria just sit there, looking weary. Luckily Jake gets hold of himself.)

**JAKE:** (_enthused_) Nope. The old man was someone you could trust. I remember some of the good times we had --

**HELEN:** Good times?? Jake, my father couldn't stand you.

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** (_wilted_) Well it was still better than what I had...

(Cut to outside shot. We see that the car is approaching a large white house trimmed with red brick. Resume inside shot.)

**HELEN:** (_a trifle anxious_) Well here we are. (_Bt. frowns and shudders_) And I can just tell from the tension in the air that Rita's already arrived.

**DARIA:** Get ready to watch the fur fly.

**HELEN:** (_firm_) Now **remember**, all of you: if Rita asks why we haven't been to see Erin and Brian in their new home, tell her you've been very, **very** busy. (_Bt_) I'll just say I've had meetings. (_Bt. gets into a resentful mode._) Unlike **some** people, I have to **earn** a living. I don't just get free handouts from Mother --!

(_Jake stops the car abruptly. Tries to change the subject._)

**JAKE:** Um **gosh**, honey, the old place still looks the same. Your mother's done a great job keeping it up all these years.

(Helen forgets her rage as she and the rest of the family climb out of the car.)

**QUINN:** I just hope it's not full of **old** people's things. That'd be, like, **really** depressing.

**DARIA:** Especially for the old person who lives here.

(They walk toward the front door. Suddenly it opens, and we see a tall, skinny man with sleepy eyes and a scraggly goatee leaning against the door frame.)

**GUY:** I hate to tell you this, but Mrs. Barksdale passed away a short time ago.

(Pause. The Morgendorffers stop dead in their tracks. Helen's face grows pale. Then the guy smiles a sneer-smile.)

**GUY:** Just kidding. She's inside.

(Pause. Daria and Quinn look at each other. Helen's mouth is open. She closes it abruptly and gets enraged.)

**HELEN:** Young man, how **dare** you --?!

(_Suddenly, from off screen: _)

**RITA:** Helen? Is that you?

(Rita appears in the doorway and puts an arm around the guy's waist, wearing the same girlish, adoring expression that she wore in "I Don't." Helen, of course, tries to suck in her disdain.)

**HELEN:** (_faux sweet_) Rita! It's **so** good to see you.

**RITA:** (_also faux sweet_) And **you** as well.

(Rita leans forward and she and Helen exchange blow kisses. Then Rita turns back to the guy and continues to look at him adoringly.)

**RITA:** I see you've met Jimmy. Isn't he a **trip**??

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** (_sarcastic laugh_) Oh-ho-hmm. **Yes**. (_sneer-smiles back at him._)

(_Jake leans forward to shake Jimmy's hand. Jimmy does so begrudgingly._)

**JAKE:** Nice to meet ya, Jimmy m' man. The name's Jake.

**HELEN:** And, um, these are our girls -- Daria, Quinn. (_shoves them forward. hasty_) Who I'm sure **really** want to see their grandmother. (_Bt_) Come on, girls, let's **go**.

(Rita makes way, and Helen, Daria, and Quinn go hastily inside -- Daria cocking an eyelid all the while. Jake turns to Rita and gives her an exaggerated wink.)

**JAKE:** **So**, Rita, I guess this means you're over Paul, huh?

**RITA:** (_blankly_) Who?

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** Y' know, Paul Myer -- (_Pause_) Aw, never mind. (_sees Rita has completely erased him from memory._)

(Jake chuckles sheepishly and goes inside. Rita's boyfriend watches him with a sneering expression, and then he and Rita follow.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 5 (_inside Grandma Barksdale's house_)

(Pan across the front hallway and living room. We see that, indeed, the house is full of "old people's" things -- meaning antiques and many, many photographs in all kinds of gilt and wooden frames. The photographs seem to document nearly every aspect of Grandma Barksdale's life: her youth, her wedding, her marriage, her daughters in their infancy, childhood, adolescence, et cetera. The house has been extremely well-maintained, but it has an uncomfortable **museum** air to it.)

(The dining room is connected to the living room via a doorway. Cut to shot of the dining room. There, we see Grandma Barksdale sitting at the table with Erin and Brian, surrounded by platters of appetizers. Erin's in the process of chopping cucumber, while Grandma watches with a distinctly indulgent expression. Brian's slumped-over in his chair, looking sulky and bored. We then see Helen, Quinn, and Daria appear in the doorway.)

**HELEN:** (_trying to sound sweet_) Mother! (_Bt_) And Erin and Brian, **you're** here, too.

**ERIN:** Hi, Aunt Helen!

**BRIAN:** (_no enthusiasm_) Hey.

(Erin looks the same as she did in "I Don't," only she's ditched the wedding dress. One thing that we notice right away about her: she's got this giggly, girlish air that just screams "Stacy." She stops what she's doing and stands up as Helen is making her way over to Grandma Barksdale.)

**GRANDMA:** I'm glad to see you could make it, Helen. (_Bt_) Now there, that wasn't so hard, was it?

(Grandma Barksdale looks a little worn-down, but she carries herself with a dignified air. When Helen stands next to her, we can see there's a strong facial resemblance between them. They both speak with the same upper-crust twang in their voices, too.)

**HELEN:** What on **earth** are you talking about, Mother? (_leans down and gives her a small hug and a kiss on the forehead._)

**GRANDMA:** I know you, Helen. First sign of a family obligation, and you use that old "meetings" excuse of yours.

(Helen laughs uneasily. Erin comes over and gives her a squeeze around the waist.)

**ERIN:** Oh, Grandma. (_Bt_) I'm sure Aunt Helen has a really good excuse for not visiting me and Brian.

(_Just then, Jake comes in with Rita and Jimmy._)

**JAKE:** Yeah -- meetings! Lots and lots of meetings!

(Pause. Erin looks at him, surprised. Grandma gets a satisfied, "I told you so" expression, while Helen groans. Daria can't resist smirking.)

**HELEN:** **Jake**. Just be quiet.

**JAKE:** But I thought --

**HELEN:** Just let **me** do the talking, all right?? (_Bt. to Erin, in a reassuring, cheery tone_) We've just been very, **very** busy. With... many, many things. I couldn't **begin** to describe them all.

**ERIN:** That's okay.

**RITA:** (_not fooled_) Even though Erin lives a couple of towns from Lawndale? Hardly out of your way.

(Helen presses her lips together. Daria's smirk deepens: the first blow in the Mom and Aunt Rita war has been struck. Meanwhile Grandma's noticing Jake's meekness after Helen's rebuke.)

**GRANDMA:** (_sardonic_) My, Helen, you certainly do know how to take charge of a situation. (_Bt_) But then, you always were your father's daughter.

**HELEN:** (_happy to change the subject_) Um, right.

**GRANDMA:** It's nice to see you, Jacob.

**JAKE:** Nice to see you, too, Mom!

(Pause. Grandma Barksdale frowns and cocks an eyebrow at Jake. Jake blushes.)

**JAKE:** (_mumbling_) Um... I mean... Mrs. Barksdale.

(_Grandma smirks._)

**HELEN:** (_exasperated_) Oh **honestly**, Mother! You'd think after twenty-three years --!

**GRANDMA:** All **right**, Helen, all right. (_Bt. says to Jake, as if she were doing him a favor: _) Jacob, you may call me "Evelyn." I was just teasing you.

(_Jake wipes his forehead, relieved._)

**GRANDMA:** (_noticing Daria and Quinn_) Why look at the girls! (_Bt_) Has it been that long since Ellie's funeral? Quinn's wearing **glasses**??

**HELEN:** Yes, she just has an eensy-weensy vision problem.

**GRANDMA:** (_to Quinn_) My, you look like such a little scholar.

**QUINN:** **Hgh**! (_then realizes Grandma meant that as a compliment._) Oh. Thanks.

**ERIN:** Yeah, you look really cool.

(_Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** (_thought voice-over_) Funny, they've never said that about **me**.

**ERIN:** (_still absorbed in Quinn_) And that's a pretty scarf. (_points to Quinn's right arm._)

**GRANDMA:** Scarf? (_looks closer. her eyes widen._) Is that a **cast** I see?

(Quinn holds up her arm. She's still got on the cast from "Cheered Down," which by now has had every inch covered by signatures. For the special occasion, she's artfully concealed it with the scarf.)

**HELEN:** She just took a little spill --

**GRANDMA:** Helen, you let your daughter **break** her arm??

**HELEN:** (_rolling her eyes_) It's not as though I could **stop** her. I can't watch her and Daria every **second** --

**QUINN:** (_chipper_) It's just battle scars from cheerleading. (_Bt_) I was head cheerleader, you know.

**GRANDMA:** (_face lighting up_) You **were**?

**RITA:** Cheerleading must run in the family. (_to Quinn_) **I** was a cheerleader, too.

**ERIN:** So was I!

(Rita, Erin, and Quinn all smirk at each other. Helen looks annoyed, especially when she sees how much her mother approves. Sees Daria just standing there.)

**HELEN:** Well, Mother, **Daria's** done many interesting things, too. Why not talk to **her**?

**GRANDMA:** Yes, of course. (_Bt. to Daria_) How are you, child?

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_her usual deadpan_) I'm fine.

**HELEN:** Tell Grandma about how your principal asked you to give the commencement address at this year's Parent-Teacher Banquet on account of your **remarkable** G.P.A. (_cocks a pointed eyebrow at Rita as she says this._)

(_Beat. Daria sighs softly._)

**DARIA:** (_still deadpan_) My principal **asked**, quote-unquote, me to give the commencement address at the Parent-Teachers' Banquet because she thought --

**GRANDMA:** (_looking distressed_) Ugh! That's all right, dear, I've got the gist of it. You don't need to say any more!

(_Daria rolls her eyes._)

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 6 (_the living room_)

(_Close-up shot of the mantelpiece above the fireplace._)

**JANE:** (_present off screen voice-over_) Okay, so after your grandmother gave you the brush-off **again**, that's when the fireworks started, right??

**DARIA:** (_present off screen voice-over_) Not quite. A few more things happened. It was sort of a building-up process...

(Zoom out to show Jake absorbed in looking at photographs on the mantelpiece. Behind him, we see Rita's boyfriend asleep in a chair, looking so still it's as if he's become part of the furniture. Just then, Helen enters the living room, balancing several platters of appetizers. Jake glances at her, then returns his attention to the photos.)

**JAKE:** (_to Helen_) Wow, you and your father did **everything** together...

**HELEN:** (_annoyed_) Jake, would you **kindly** lend me a hand??

**JAKE:** Oh, right.

(He comes over and takes two platters from Helen, while she sets the remaining two down on the coffee table. Ignoring the presence of Jimmy, she goes to look at the photos Jake was eyeing. Her face brightens.)

**HELEN:** Oh! I'd forgotten about our canoe ride on Lake Wallawocasaconoc.

(Jake, meanwhile, is trying to find spare room for his appetizer platters -- the coffee table's already crowded with food, as are many of the side tables. He attempts to slide a few platters over.)

**HELEN:** (_more to herself than to Jake_) I can't believe you and the girls haven't been here since Dad's funeral -- (_interrupted by a clattering sound._)

(Helen turns to look: Jake has managed to knock a platter from the coffee table onto the ground. Helen sighs sharply, cocks an irritated brow. Just then Rita enters with a tray of ice cubes and napkins. Looks down at Jake and rolls her eyes.)

**RITA:** (_trying to sound civil_) Here. (takes a handful of napkins from one of her platters and tosses them onto the ground, near the spill. As Jake is leaning down to clean up his mess, she walks over to Helen, smirking.) Did I hear you say it's been twelve years since you came to visit Mother here?

**HELEN:** (_rolling her eyes_) Not **me**. Jake and th --

**RITA:** Geez, I couldn't imagine: I come here almost every week.

(_Just then, Grandma Barksdale enters with Erin and Brian._)

**GRANDMA:** (_fondly_) I couldn't get by without her.

(She sees Jake and cocks a brow, unsurprised. Meanwhile Helen's frowning darkly.)

**HELEN:** Yes, well Leeville's much **closer** to Rutherford than Lawndale is. And if I weren't so busy --

**RITA:** (_smirking_) With meetings?

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** Yes, with **meetings**! Those meetings help keep my family **afloat** for your information.

(_Jake looks up from his cleaning, startled._)

**JAKE:** What're you saying, honey??

**RITA:** (_irritated_) Are you implying **I** can't keep things afloat, Helen??

**HELEN:** Well, Rita -- **Jake**, don't look at me that way. You know what I mean. And frankly, Rita --

**GRANDMA:** (_somewhat weary_) Girls, don't start. I don't want to hear any bickering on my anniversary.

(Helen and Rita immediately look chastened. Erin puts an arm around Brian, who looks annoyed.)

**ERIN:** Gosh, Grandma, I can't believe it's been **fifty** years.

**HELEN:** (_grumbling_) Well, **thirty-eight**, actually...

**GRANDMA:** (_to Erin_) Yes, sometimes I can't believe it, either. There have been many days where I've turned around and expected to see your grandfather. He had such a presence when he was alive. Do you remember, dear?

**ERIN:** Yeah.

**GRANDMA:** He was always very reassuring. (_Bt_) Sometimes I miss that.

**ERIN:** I hope Brian and I are as happy as you and Grandpa were. And as happy as Aunt Helen and Uncle Jake. (_to Helen_) You're kind of like role models to me, 'cause you've been married for so long.

**HELEN & JAKE:** (_flattered_) Aww!

ERIN; (_to Rita_) No offense, Mom.

(_Rita smiles coolly. Looks at Jake, who's just finished cleaning up._)

**RITA:** (_wicked_) Bet it already feels like you've been married fifty years, huh, Helen?

**BRIAN:** (_mumbling_) Has for me.

(_Erin looks at him questioningly. Helen glares at Rita._)

**HELEN:** Ha-ha, Rita.

(_Jake comes over and stands beside them._)

**JAKE:** (_oblivious_) Gosh, it really **has** been a long time, hasn't it? (_Bt. to Rita_) Seems like only yesterday I met you and Amy after I'd proposed to Helen. It was in **this** room...

(fade-out. fade-in to a flashback from 1975. Amy and Rita are sitting on the living room couch. Amy's fourteen, and looks similar to how she looked as an eight-year-old in "The Tie That Chokes" flashback sequence, only her ponytails are longer and her glasses thicker. She wears some variety of ugly '70's dress. Rita, meanwhile, wears her hair long and parted in the center [as was the style of the time]. Her dress is so short, an inch shorter would reveal her underwear. Jake saunters up to them, sporting thick, wild hair, a moustache, and some ugly '70's flowered shirt with a butterfly collar.)

**JAKE:** Hey, hey, girls -- the name's Jake.

(_Amy and Rita just stare at him like he's some sort of curiosity._)

**JAKE:** Now let me see: since I've already met **Marcia**, you must be Jan and Cindy. Right?

(He offers Amy his hand. She looks at it like she doesn't know what it's for. Then looks at Jake.)

**AMY:** I think we've met before. (_Bt. cocks a brow_) And under **unpleasant** circumstances.

**RITA:** **I'm** usually Marcia!!!

(_Jake takes back his hand, chuckles uneasily. fade-out._)

(_fade-in to Jake of the present. He looks sentimental._)

**JAKE:** Aw, the memories...

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** Speaking of Amy -- where **is** she? Shouldn't she be here, too?

RITA; I wouldn't be surprised if she made up some excuse. (_Bt. bitter_) There're probably a lot of **one-oh-four** fevers going around her area. [*] see "The Tie That Chokes"

**GRANDMA:** (_firm_) She'll **be** here. I gave her a good talking-to the other day.

**HELEN:** (_sarcastic_) I'm sure she **loved** that.

(_Beat. Grandma Barksdale sighs._)

**GRANDMA:** (_cocking a brow_) She's quite a handful, I must say. (_Bt_) Still has a sharp tongue, still does what she pleases. And still lives **alone**.

**RITA:** (_agreeing_) And the only baby she'll probably ever have is that silly car.

**HELEN:** (_exasperated_) Oh come **on**. At least she has a boyfriend.

**GRANDMA:** She does??

**RITA:** Amy? A boyfriend?? (_Bt_) What, is he made-up, or something?

**HELEN:** Now **why** on earth would she make up a boyfriend??

**RITA:** She's done it before. (_to Grandma_) Remember during college -- she pretended to be visiting a guy's family so she could get out of going home for spring break??

**GRANDMA:** Yes. (_groans softly._)

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** (_feeling the need to defend Amy_) Well she's **older**, now. She knows better. (_Bt_) Besides, I've talked to him, and he seems **very** nice.

**GRANDMA:** Well that's good to hear.

(_Beat_)

**RITA:** (_vaguely jealous_) Why did he talk to **you**?

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** Well because... (_shakes her head, realizing it's too complicated to explain._) Never mind. (_Bt. looks around._) You know, if I may say, this looks like an **awful** lot of food for just us.

**RITA:** It's not just going to be us.

**HELEN:** Huh?

(_Beat_)

**GRANDMA:** We're having guests over. (_Bt_) It was Rita's idea.

**HELEN:** (_to Rita. a slight edge in her tone_) What **kind** of guests?

**RITA:** Just old friends of Mother and Dad's. Some neighbors, some of Dad's army chums --

**HELEN:** You mean people who knew us when we were younger and haven't seen us **since**??

(_Rita goes a little pale._)

**RITA:** Uh... yes. (_Bt_) I hadn't thought of it... like that.

**HELEN:** **Rita**, do you know what you've **done**?!

(Just then Daria and Quinn show up, having come from upstairs. Daria's smirking.)

**DARIA:** So we get to hear about embarrassing moments from your past?

**RITA:** Oh God.

**GRANDMA:** (_to Helen and Rita. annoyed_) Honestly you two, I would think you'd **enjoy** talking to people who knew your father.

**HELEN:** Maybe -- if we could rely on them not to stray from **Dad** as the focus of conversation.

**JAKE:** (_attempting to change the subject_) **So** girls -- you have fun upstairs??

**DARIA:** Not as much fun as you seem to be having down here.

**HELEN:** (_putting a hand to her forehead_) Daria, **please**.

(_Beat_)

**GRANDMA:** (_exasperated_) You two are just being **silly**, you know that? I'm sure everything will work out just **fine**.

(_Suddenly, from off screen: _)

**MAN:** Hallo, there!!

(Everyone turns to look. An old, portly man is coming toward them from the dining room, having come through the back way. And low and behold -- he's got **Amy** locked in a firm grip. We see that she's dressed very similarly to how she was in "I Don't," without the glasses, et cetera, and that she's eyeing the man warily.)

**MAN:** Well **look** who I found! It's my little Amy-meister! An' she's **just** as cute as she ever was. Ain't ya, darlin'? (_squeezes her harder, plants a sloppy wet one on her cheek._) Ain't ya??

(Pause. Amy gazes at the others. The sound of the man's voice has brought Jimmy back to life, causing him to sit upright in the chair and blink sleepily. Meanwhile Helen and Rita look deeply worried, and Daria's smirking.)

**AMY:** (_weary_) So much for my grand entrance.

**END OF ACT ONE**

[Shot of '70's Jake trying to shake hands with Amy and Rita.]

You are now entering commercial **HEAVEN**. Laaaaaaaaaaaaa... We're so very happy to have you with us. Just sit back and let yourself be soothed by some of the grooviest commercials put on television.

Ha! Thought I'd throw you for a loop this time... Actually, the reasoning behind this shift stems from the fact that since this is a two-parter, with both parts coming out so close together, even **I'd** have a difficult time finding **ten** negative commercials in a short period of time. Don't worry: your usual dose of negativity will be back next week...

  * "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Things intensify as Helen and her sisters delve into their past, Jake takes the firm parent approach, and Daria calls in some familiar faces to help solve Helen and Jake's marital crisis. (_Sorry, no footage -- I want you to be surprised!_) Catch the concluding part of 'None in the Family' on an all-new 'Daria.""

* Nike women athletes commercials: What can I say? I love 'em! Not only do they make it seem like it's completely natural for a woman to be an athlete, but they also portray them as **good** athletes. No pink shoes, no Size Two models posing as basketball players... And were the rest of you as stoked about the Women's World Cup as I was?

* Got Milk: These commercials have got to be some of the most clever around. With the exception of the cat woman one, I think they're my favorites. A recent fave: Two kids refuse to drink milk because they see that their old neighbor grew up without it. Then, when the neighbor goes to lift something... his arms break off! It's very cartoonish, trust me. **Another fave:** The animal crackers don't want to be eaten, so they conspire to tip over a little girl's milk. I can't describe why I like these commercials so much -- I think my examples pretty much speak for themselves...

You are now leaving commercial **HEAVEN**. Y'all come back soon now, ya hear?

## 

NONE IN THE FAMILY, PART ONE: THE OLD MAN

* * *

**ACT TWO**

SCENE 1 (_Barksdale house, continuation of the previous scene_)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of everyone in the living room. The old man's still got Amy locked in a firm embrace. She struggles to get away.)

**AMY:** Um, Mr. Petersen, it's wonderful to see you again, but I kind of need to --

**PETERSEN:** C'mon, just **one** kiss for your old neighbor, an' **then** I'll let ya go!

(Amy heaves a sigh and gives him a peck on the cheek. Mr. Petersen rewards her by grabbing her jaw and giving it an affectionate wiggle.)

**PETERSEN:** That's my l'il cutie-patootie! (_cups Amy's nose._) **Whoops** -- got yer nose!

**AMY:** Keep it. (_Bt_) Hey, um, was that bean dip I saw in the kitchen?

**PETERSEN:** (_releasing her_) Ooh, I love bean dip!

**AMY:** Don't I know it. (_Bt_) Now go have some before it's gone.

(Mr. Petersen nods to the rest of the company, then hurries away. Amy heaves another sigh and sags forward a little. Pause.)

**DARIA:** (_smirking_) Aunt Amy.

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** (_smirking wryly at her_) Damn, you saw me in a position of weakness. Now I'll have to kill you. (_Bt_) Or return the favor.

(She leans forward and hugs Daria. Then she notices Quinn, and cocks a pleased, amused eyebrow.)

**AMY:** Ah, so our third member of the glasses brigade has finally arrived. [*] see "The Tie That Chokes"

**QUINN:** Huh?

**AMY:** Looking sharp, sweetie. (_pats Quinn on the back. then turns to Grandma and says in a cheerful tone:_) Mother.

(_She gives Grandma Barksdale a kiss on the cheek and squeezes her shoulder._)

**GRANDMA:** (_wry_) It's nice to see **you've** finally arrived, Amy.

**AMY:** Hey, the best things come to those who wait.

**RITA:** Hmm. **And** you came all by yourself, I see.

**AMY:** (_missing Rita's meaning_) Yep. Haven't quite reached the age when I need someone to chauffeur me. (_She and Rita share a rather stiff hug._)

**HELEN:** Actually, Amy, I think she means --

**AMY:** (_with more warmth_) Helen. (She reaches over, gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Helen does likewise.) You're looking good.

**HELEN:** Um... so do you. Certainly no worse than the last time I saw you.

**AMY:** And you're looking even better. No worry lines or throbbing veins of any kind. (_Bt. smirking_) Jake, has this woman been in a coma the past few months?

(_The rest of the group bursts into a fit of chuckles. Helen rolls her eyes._)

**JAKE:** Aw gee... I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I'd **know**.

(Now everyone else chuckles even harder. Helen glares at Jake, then looks at Amy.)

**HELEN:** (_grumbling_) Always a kidder, Amy.

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** Jake, you're a twisted man after my own heart. Never change.

**JAKE:** Um, okay.

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** And Erin and Brian: you two are still blissfully in love, I see. (_Bt_) If only it would last.

**ERIN:** Huh??

**RITA:** (_annoyed_) It's funny you should say that, Amy --

**AMY:** (_seeing Rita's boyfriend_) Paul? Wow, you've really let yourself go.

**JIMMY:** (_cocking a brow_) **Excuse** me??

**RITA:** I'm not seeing Paul any more.

**AMY:** Oh yeah. (_cocks a brow at Jimmy and smirks._) Surprise, surprise...

**RITA:** Now what's **that** supposed --?!

**AMY:** Geez, the only one who's **not** here to celebrate this special occasion is Dad. What a shame. (_Bt_) So did any of you bring a Ouija board?

(Pause. Erin looks shocked. Rita glares at Amy and groans. Jimmy, Brian, and Jake actually chuckle -- though Jake stifles his with one look from Helen. Daria smirks.)

**DARIA:** (_under her breath_) A twisted woman after my own heart.

(_Beat. Grandma frowns._)

**GRANDMA:** Amy, **why** on earth must you talk about your father that way??

**HELEN:** (_peevish_) Why **not**?? She did when he was **alive**.

(_A frown briefly passes over Amy's face._)

**AMY:** Very true, Helen. Very true...

(_fade-out. fade-into: _)

SCENE 2 (_dining room, about an hour later._)

(_Close-up shot of the table._)

**DARIA:** (_present off screen voice-over_) So once Aunt Amy arrived, things got a little more interesting. For starters, she revealed all the locations where something embarrassing had happened to Mom...

(Cut to wide shot. Amy's sitting in one of the chairs, putting together a bunch of party streamers, as Daria and Quinn pass by.)

**AMY:** (_to Daria. instructional_) And one last thing: that red patch on the wall above the bed? It's not lipstick, it's not paint -- it's what's left of your mom's Mr. Biffo the Blow-up Man after he exploded. I'll let you fill in the rest.

(_Daria and Quinn glance at each other eagerly._)

**DARIA:** Thanks, Amy. You've made my visit.

**QUINN:** (_a little more subdued_) Yeah, thanks.

(_They turn to leave. Amy touches Quinn's shoulder._)

**AMY:** Hey, Quinn. (_Quinn turns to face her._) Don't feel too bad about having to wear glasses. You look good.

**QUINN:** (_eyes trailing downward. a bit sheepish_) Oh. Um, thanks.

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** (_wry_) Hmm, guess my praise isn't worth much -- you still seem a little down. Is anything...? (_Pause. smirks a tad_) **Wait** -- I get it. (_Bt_) Look Quinn, you're not still mad about what happened a few months ago, are you? [*] see Quinn's reaction after Amy told Helen about "Cousin" Daria in "The Tie That Chokes."

(Quinn's eyes widen. She stopped being mad at Amy a long time ago -- now she just feels embarrassed about the way she behaved.)

**QUINN:** No! I mean... um, I mean...

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** (_understanding_) Let's just let bygones be bygones, okay?

**QUINN:** (_relieved_) Sure.

(She leaves, and Amy ties up the last of the streamers. Suddenly we see Helen bustling out of the kitchen, carrying surplus appetizers.)

**HELEN:** (_brisk. no-nonsense_) Amy, those streamers are done **already**?? Well then **why** haven't you put them up, yet??

**AMY:** (_rolling her eyes_) I just fin--

(_Rita rushes in from the living room. Stops, looks at Amy._)

**RITA:** (_irritated_) Geez, Amy, what are you doing just **sitting** there?? (_in a persecuted tone_) It's bad enough you had to show up after nearly everything was finished, forcing **me** to do practically all the work --

**HELEN:** Oh come **off** it, Rita! This silly party was your **stupid** idea, so it's only fair you take charge. Not that you're any **good** at it --

**AMY:** (_grumbling_) Sorry.

**RITA:** (_not hearing Amy. to Helen_) What do you **mean** not good at it?! And just because I'm the only one who truly **cares** about Mother's well-being --

**HELEN:** Oh, there we go! Again with the "I'm the **good** daughter" routine! Well let me tell you something, Rita -- if I got as much out of Mother as **you** do, I --

(_Amy slumps forward._)

**RITA:** Oh **yeah**?! Well **listen**, Helen --

**HELEN:** Oh **forget** it, Rita. (_Bt. looks at Amy. exasperated_) Amy! Honestly, you're the **artist** in the family. You ought to **know** how to put up a **few** decorations.

**AMY:** (_weary_) That's not what you said those three times I tried to hang the banner.

**HELEN:** Banners are **completely** different!

(She rushes out into the living room. A second later, Grandma Barksdale comes in.)

**GRANDMA:** Amy, why are you just **sitting** there? Our guests will be here, soon.

(_Amy groans, puts a hand to her forehead._)

**AMY:** I'm still recovering from Mr. Petersen. (_Bt_) So he's just the **tip** of the iceberg, is he?

**GRANDMA:** Oh quit being so disrespectful, Boo-boo.

(_Amy sits up straight, turns bright red._)

**AMY:** Mom! Dammit, how **old** am I now...?!

(Before Grandma Barksdale can reply, Helen rushes back in from the living room.)

**HELEN:** Amy, those streamers still aren't **up**?? Get **on** it! (_rushes into the kitchen._)

**AMY:** (_rolling her eyes_) Yes, **Dad**.

**GRANDMA:** I told you, Amy, **don't** be disrespectful. You could use some of your father's common sense. (_Bt_) You still max out your credit cards, don't you??

**AMY:** My, my, quite a leap in topics. (_Bt_) Mom, that was a **long** time ago --

**GRANDMA:** Well appraising art can't pay enough to afford that car, I'm willing to bet.

**AMY:** (_irritated_) How would **you** --?!

(_Rita rushes in from the living room. She's overheard this last bit._)

**RITA:** (_cool_) Why would she **need** to max out her credit cards when Aunt Ellie left her all her money?

(_Amy's eyes narrow._)

**AMY:** Oh sure, Reet. Her money's all I cared about.

**RITA:** (_not missing her icy sarcasm_) Well some of us **do** care about money. We don't **all** lead easy lives, you know.

**AMY:** (_cool_) Ooh, right. (_Bt_) So not only are you unlucky in love, but you're missing job satisfaction, too. What is it you **do** again??

**GRANDMA:** (_before Rita can reply_) Speaking of love, Amy: where is that boyfriend Helen was telling us about?

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** (_going pale_) **What**?

(_Just then Helen comes back in._)

**GRANDMA:** You did say she had one, didn't you, Helen? A **boyfriend**??

**RITA:** Yeah, Helen -- a **boyfriend**?

(Helen pauses, rather startled. She looks down at Amy, who's frowning and clearly embarrassed.)

**HELEN:** I -- well, yes. (_Bt. gently firm_) Now, Amy, you're not **still** playing that silly game where you pretend you don't **have** one, are you?

**AMY:** (_tightly. closing her eyes._) **No**.

**GRANDMA:** **Pretend** you don't have one?

**HELEN:** (_to Amy_) Come on, sweetie: after two years, I think they have a right to know.

**RITA:** **Two** years? (_looks intrigued._)

(_Pause_)

**AMY:** (_still tight_) Yes. Two years. Two years, four months, to be exact. Not including the year we were just friends. (_Bt_) But forget it -- it's over. We broke up.

(_Pause. Grandma Barksdale and Rita look uneasy, as does Helen._)

**HELEN:** But **why**?? He seemed so **nice**.

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** How did **you** meet Joel??

**RITA:** (_vague resentment_) Helen said she talked to him.

(_Amy looks at her questioningly. Helen sighs._)

**HELEN:** Well I **know** I shouldn't say anything, but after we fought a while back, he called me at my office and tried to patch things up --

**AMY:** He **called** you?? (_closes her eyes._) **Great**. That is so **him**. (_starts to get up._)

**GRANDMA:** Amy, where are you going?

**AMY:** To hang the **damn** streamers. (_grabs a few and walks away._)

(_Pause_)

**HELEN:** (_to Grandma and Rita_) Let me talk to her.

**RITA:** It was your talking that made her leave in the first place.

**HELEN:** Oh **buzz** off, Rita. (_goes after Amy._)

(Pause. Cut to shot of Amy walking slowly toward the door to the living room, dragging the streamers behind her. Helen rushes toward her. She accidently steps on one of the streamers, causing it to split into two pieces. Amy stops and looks at Helen with a stormy expression.)

**HELEN:** (_hushed. pleading_) Amy, **talk** to me. What happened??

**AMY:** (_rolling her eyes_) You mean you don't already **know**?

**HELEN:** Come on, sweetie... Please?

(Pause. Amy looks like she's debating whether to open up. Finally she sighs.)

**AMY:** (_somewhat flat_) There isn't much to tell. We just agreed that we didn't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things.

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** Oh. (_Bt_) But couples don't have to see eye-to-eye on everything. Jake and I certainly don't.

**AMY:** Well Joel and I didn't see eye-to-eye on a lot of **essential** things. It wasn't about us arguing over where to hang the fern.

**HELEN:** But, um... surely you could try working it out. What about counseling?? Two years seems like too long to just --

(_Amy utters a sharp laugh._)

**AMY:** Helen, Joel and I have been down this road before. He tells me I'm too closed off, I tell him it's not his business to know everything about me.

**HELEN:** Oh.

**AMY:** Funny, I think you and he would get along well.

**HELEN:** Why??

**AMY:** Because you both share a lot of the same opinions. (_Bt_) I believe **you** once told me I closed myself off from everyone around me. Oh, and that I'm a bad role model for your kid.

**HELEN:** (_uneasy_) Oh... You remember... the exact words, do you?

**AMY:** They're hard to forget. (_Pause_) Anyway, the gist of it is: I came home partially to forget the recent events of my life. (_another sharp laugh._) Silly me.

**HELEN:** (_looking sorry_) Amy...

(_Just then, Daria comes in._)

**DARIA:** Um, I hate to interrupt, but Erin's just let in a bunch of strangers. Either they're Jehovah's Witnesses, or your old family friends are here.

(_Beat. Amy and Helen glance into the living room._)

**AMY:** If only they **were** Jehovah's Witnesses. I'd be much more relaxed around them.

**HELEN:** Now come **on**, I'm sure we'll all be fine.

**AMY:** Yeah. They'll probably just want to talk about Mother and Dad.

**HELEN:** So why not go on in and say hello?

(_Pause_)

**AMY:** Um, or why don't you? (_Bt_) You're the oldest.

**HELEN:** But you've already bonded with Mr. Petersen.

**AMY:** Being accosted by an old man hardly qualifies as **bonding** in my opinion. (_Pause. finally sighs and rolls her eyes._) All right, all right, I'll be the guinea pig. But I refuse to go alone. Are you with me, Daria?

**DARIA:** You want **me** to talk to old people?

**HELEN:** Go **on**, Daria.

**DARIA:** Okay. (_Bt. smirks_) I could go for witnessing some humiliation.

**AMY:** Brat.

(_They walk into the living room._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 3 (_living room_)

(Shot of various elderly folk coming in, milling around, sitting on the couch and in the chairs. One man is sitting next to Jimmy, trying to have a conversation.)

**MAN:** So what d' you do for a living?

**JIMMY:** (_cocking a brow_) Do?

(Another man is sitting in a chair near Jake and Brian, chatting. Jake is busy stuffing his face with appetizers as he listens, and Brian actually looks interested.)

MAN 2: ... And we found her crouched behind the bushes, poor thing. Naked as can be.

**BRIAN:** Whoa, Helen must've been pretty damn embarrassed.

**JAKE:** (_crumbs spilling out of his mouth_) **I'll** fay!

(_Just then Amy and Daria walk in. Amy inhales-exhales Zen-style._)

**AMY:** (_to Daria_) Just proceed calmly. Go up, say hello, ask how they're doing, give a little info about yourself, then move on.

(Daria nods resolutely. She walks over to where Quinn and Erin are standing with a woman guest. Quinn's in her chipper mode.)

QUINN: ... An' so, like, Tiffany and Stacy were, like, "We think **you** should be the president of the Fashion Club." An' I was like, "Oh **no**!" But they just kept putting pressure on me 'til I agreed. An' so I decided fashion was my true calling an' that if I **had** to make the choice between cheerleading and fashion, fashion would be it. (_sighs with satisfaction._)

**ERIN:** Wow, that's so smart of you, Quinn. I know **I** had a hard time balancing things when I was head cheerleader and president of **my** fashion club.

**QUINN:** Oh... you were... both? (_wilts a little._)

(_The woman to whom they were talking spies Daria._)

**WOMAN:** Hello, dear. What's **your** name?

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) My name's Daria. I'm Quinn's seventeen-year-old older sister and I like to --

(The woman gets the same distressed look on her face that Grandma Barksdale wore when Daria spoke to her.)

**WOMAN:** Ugh! Ugh, please -- no more. (_Bt_) I just remembered: I have to be somewhere. (_rushes away._)

(Quinn and Erin roll their eyes and look at Daria, annoyed. Daria smirks at this unexpected reaction, then decides to join Amy. Cut to shot of Amy standing with a couple of people, wearing an awkward expression.)

**WOMAN 2:** (_to Amy. cheerful_) I brought flan. (_holds up a mammoth-sized dish of yellow jiggly good stuff._) I know how you girls used to love it.

**AMY:** Ooh, can't wait.

(The woman leaves to go set the flan somewhere. One elderly man gives Amy a faux punch on the cheek. Amy flinches.)

**MAN 3:** You've got yer dad's old reflexes! That's what saved 'im at Normandy, I always say.

**AMY:** (_feigning interest_) Really?

**MAN 3:** An' you **look** just like Howard, too. Do people ever tell you that?

**AMY:** Only when I'm at home.

**MAN 3:** (_giving her another faux punch on the cheek_) Not quite the little girl who used to play in my doghouse, are ya?

**AMY:** Well, that **was** thirty-plus years ago. I doubt I'd fit, now.

(_The man chuckles, then sees Daria._)

**MAN 3:** (_friendly_) An' how're you, sweetie-pie?

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) I'm fine. My name's Daria, and I'm a the second eldest of Evelyn Barksdale's three --

**MAN 3:** Ugh! I just remembered -- I have to be somewhere! (_rushes off._)

(_Pause_)

**AMY:** (_smirking_) How'd you **do** that?

(_Daria shrugs._)

**DARIA:** Don't know. It's a gift.

**AMY:** I'm keeping you close by.

(_Just then, the flan woman returns. She sees Daria._)

**WOMAN 2:** Why, Amy! Here we thought you'd never settle down, and look: you have a daughter. And she looks **just** like you!

(_Suddenly Helen bolts out of the dining room. Grabs Daria._)

**HELEN:** (_rushed_) No, no, she's **mine**, actually. Daria Morgendorffer -- first-born daughter. She has my nose, you know.

(She glares sideways at Amy. Even though Helen's forgiven her for the trick she played on the Fashion Club in "The Tie That Chokes," she still can't help but feel a bit threatened. In response, Amy rolls her eyes and leaves. Then Helen notices Jake, Brian, and their companion looking at her.)

**HELEN:** **What**?!

(_fade-out. fade-in to: _)

SCENE 4 (_den, about an hour later_)

(Shot of the downstairs hallway and the door leading to the den. The door is slightly ajar, with some light coming through. Off screen we hear the rumbling sounds of a party in full-swing. Then, suddenly: )

**PEOPLE:** Ugh! No, that's okay. We don't need to hear any more...

(Pause. We see Daria walks on screen. She's smirking and brushing her hands together as if to say, "Well done." She pauses when she sees the door, then decides to peek in.)

(Cut to shot of the inside. The den's a more down-to-earth room than the other rooms in the Barksdale house. It's got a couple of stuffed couches, a television set, a few bookcases, and a stereo. The only sign of formality is a fireplace, which -- of course -- bears several old photographs in gilt frames. We see Amy lounging on one of the couches, looking pensive. She continues to stare off into space for several seconds before noticing Daria's presence. Then she blinks a few times and smirks sheepishly.)

**AMY:** Hi. (_Bt_) Having fun at the party?

(_Daria walks in, shuts the door behind her._)

**DARIA:** I've been alienating old people with my voice and watching my parents get to each other. So overall, it's not bad. (_Bt_) What're **you** doing?

**AMY:** Being childish. (_Bt_) Care to join me?

**DARIA:** Sure.

(_She sits down on the other couch. Amy clicks on "Sick Sad World."_)

(_Meanwhile, cut to: _)

SCENE 5 (_living room_)

(Shot of Helen, Jake, Rita, and Jimmy sitting on the couch, while Grandma Barksdale, Quinn, Erin, and Brian sit in chairs. They're surrounded by company. One man leans toward Grandma Barksdale.)

**MAN:** So, Evelyn, do you still play eighteen holes at the country club every week?

**GRANDMA:** Well, old age has reduced it to nine holes, but otherwise, yes. The gals and I go every Thursday, without fail.

**MAN:** Would you be interested in having another person in your group?

**GRANDMA:** (_vaguely receptive_) Are you asking if you could join us?

(Meanwhile, Quinn's looking positively irritated as Erin goes on and on about her high school days.)

ERIN: ... So junior year I was captain of the volleyball team on **top** of being head cheerleader, president of the Fashion Club, and Prom Queen.

**QUINN:** Uh-huh.

**ERIN:** So are you on any sports teams?

**QUINN:** Um... no. I don't really like sports.

**ERIN:** You don't? I **love** sports. I could play volleyball all day, which is probably why they thought I was good enough to be offered a scholarship --

**BRIAN:** Quinn, just tell her to shut up at any time.

(Erin looks at him, first stunned, then irritated. Meanwhile, Helen's looking extremely embarrassed as Jake continues to stuff himself with appetizers and Rita tries to explain to an old neighbor, Mr. Norbert, what her boyfriend does for a living.)

**RITA:** He's what you call a "street poet." He sits on the street, watches people go by, and makes up poems about them.

(Mr. Norbert, a rather Kris Kringle-looking man, claps his hands together with enthusiasm.)

**NORBERT:** (_to Jimmy. jolly tone_) Sounds **marvelous**, young man. Would ya be willing to give us an example?

(_Pause_)

**JIMMY:** (_disdainful_) I only do it when I'm on the **street**.

**NORBERT:** Oh.

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** (_sarcastic laugh_) Ooh-hoo! He's your best one yet, Rita.

**RITA:** (_eyes narrowing_) Be **quiet**, Helen.

**HELEN:** (_to Mr. Norbert_) I'm surprised you don't have any "Rita's **loser** boyfriend" stories in your cache.

**NORBERT:** Nope. Don't think I do.

**HELEN:** (_dripping sarcasm_) Ohhh no, you just have **Helen** stories. Lots and **lots** of stories about **little** Helen doing some **crazy** things.

**NORBERT:** (_patting her on the shoulder_) That's just 'cause you were such an **interesting** child. (_Bt_) It's not every kid who would organize a petition drive to ban Tuesdays. Or dye her hair black to honor Martin Luther King. Or --

**HELEN:** We get your point. (_slumps forward, looking sulky._)

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** (_some crumbs spilling out of his mouth_) Iff all right, honey. I kin' of **like** those fories.

(Helen utters a sharp laugh. Looks at hubby with a very irritated and rather hurt expression.)

**HELEN:** Oh **yes**, Jake, I know you do. Because you always laugh just a **little** too loudly each time you hear one.

**JAKE:** (_more crumbs spilling out_) Oof. Forry.

**HELEN:** And for **God's** sake, Jake, would you stop **inhaling** the hors d'oeuvres?! Every time you open your mouth, you spew crumbs everywhere and it looks **disgusting**.

(_Beat. Jake swallows._)

**JAKE:** (_meek_) Oh. Sorry.

(Helen groans loudly. Just then, we hear the sound of ringing coming from one of her pockets. Helen looks down, startled, then reaches in and removes her cell phone.)

**HELEN:** (_relieved_) Whoops! Oh **darn** -- business. I'm afraid I'll have to step out for a --

**GRANDMA:** (_irritated_) Helen, put that **awful** phone away this instant!

**HELEN:** (_holding the still-ringing phone up_) But Mother, it's my **boss**!

**GRANDMA:** I don't care if it's the pope. I will not have you rambling on about some silly case on my anniversary. Put that thing away.

**HELEN:** (_geared up to protest_) But Mother --!

(_Just then, Quinn takes the phone._)

**QUINN:** (_happy to have an excuse to get away from Erin_) Here. I'll do it, Grandma.

(She leaves to go to the car. Helen sits there with her mouth open, outraged.)

(_Meanwhile, cut to: _)

SCENE 6 (_den_)

(_Shot of Amy and Daria watching "Sick Sad World."_)

**SSW ANNOUNCER:** "What did the Bride of Frankenstein's family think of her main squeeze? Exclusive interviews **next** on Sick Sad World!"

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** Bleh. This show's really gone downhill since I first started watching.

**DARIA:** Really? I thought it pretty much started at the bottom.

(_Amy chuckles._)

**AMY:** True. (_Bt_) It's funny how the more things change, the more they stay the same.

**DARIA:** Got any witticisms that would explain it?

**AMY:** Nope. But Aunt Ellie did. (_Bt_) She said that when people get older and their senses wither away, the last thing to go is their poor taste.

(_Daria chuckles._)

**DARIA:** Sounds like she was pretty cool.

**AMY:** (_a bit reflective_) Yeah. (_Pause. shakes her head, comes back to earth._) So, kiddo,speaking of change: what's new with you?

**DARIA:** Not much. (_Bt. smirks_) Boo-boo.

**AMY:** Agh! How did you --?!

**DARIA:** I overheard Grandma call you that one time. (_Bt_) I'll lay off the nickname if you promise never to call me "kiddo" ever again.

**AMY:** Agreed.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Well anyway, for starters: I'm still having problems with this guy I like --

**AMY:** Trent?

**DARIA:** Yeah. (_Bt_) It's weird: I thought I was over him, but every now and then... (_blushes a tad and shrugs._)

**AMY:** (_comprehending_) Hmmm... (_then, with a solemnity that seems odd for the situation: _) I know what you mean.

(_Beat. Daria glances at her wonderingly for a second._)

**DARIA:** Um, you want to know something really weird? I once had a dream that you and he... (_full-on blush_) **did** it.

(_Pause_)

**JANE:** (_present off screen voice-over_) Whoa! You said you were never gonna **tell** her that!

(_Amy's eyes fly wide open._)

**AMY:** Whoa!

**DARIA:** (_present off screen voice-over_) I lied.

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** Was he any good?? Wait, wait, don't answer that.

(_Daria smirks, looking embarrassed._) [*] for Amy and Trent's little get-together, see "Thicker Than Water" by Danny Bronstein and C.E. Forman

**AMY:** Well... (_tries to get past the awkward moment._) I'm sure if I saw him I'd think he was cute. In a too-young-for-me kind of way, of course.

(_Now Daria smirks with relief._)

**AMY:** New topic?

**DARIA:** **Yes.** (_Bt_) Well, other than that, the only thing worth mentioning in my life is Quinn and her glasses.

**AMY:** Hmm, yeah. She was so worried about them the last time I saw you.

(_Daria utters a sharp laugh._)

**DARIA:** **Yeah**. And for nothing. (_Bt. resigned_) She's been wearing them for two months, now, and she's still the same as she's always been. Not only is she popular, but I think she's started a new glasses-wearing trend.

**AMY:** And you'd hoped that if she put on her glasses, her personality would do a one-eighty, right?

**DARIA:** Um, yeah. (_Bt_) Guess that was kind of stupid, wasn't it?

**AMY:** No, it wasn't -- considering the history you two have had. (_Bt_) Uh, does she still pretend --?

(_Daria nods._)

**AMY:** (_frowning_) Mmmm... (_Bt. philosophical_) Well you never know: Quinn may already be changing in ways even **she** can't see. And maybe all you can do is learn how not to let her get to you.

**DARIA:** I guess. (_Bt_) So how d' you do that?

**AMY:** Don't know. (_Bt_) **I'm** still trying to figure it out.

(_Daria smirks and rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** I thought you adults were supposed to be **wise**.

**AMY:** (_also smirking_) Unfortunately, the one thing you learn when you reach adulthood is how much you **don't** know.

**DARIA:** Great. There's something I can look forward to.

**AMY:** (_cocking a brow_) It's really not that bad, trust me. (_Bt_) I like being an adult better than being a kid -- people finally take you seriously.

**DARIA:** Good.

**AMY:** Although it's funny: go home, and all bets are off. I feel like I've shed twenty years in the past two hours. My family's either ignoring me, like now, or they're on my case, the way they were earlier.

**DARIA:** (_frowning_) Hmmm...

(_Amy sighs._)

**AMY:** Or maybe I'm just making a big deal about nothing. (_Bt_) I should really just go back to the party...

(_Meanwhile, cut to: _)

SCENE 7 (_living room_)

(Shot of Helen and the rest as they were the last time we saw them. After the cell phone incident, Helen is fuming.)

**HELEN:** Dammit, Mother, can't you understand how **important** my work is to me?!

**GRANDMA:** Helen, now **how** do you expect me to respond when you curse like that? (_Bt_) Honestly, you and Amy have developed such filthy mouths since you left home.

(_Mr. Norbert heaves a big belly laugh._)

**NORBERT:** Aw, Evie, don't be too hard on the girl. She's just showing some of that **spark** that makes her the little go-getter she is. (_to Helen_) Aren't ya?

**HELEN:** **Hmph**.

**NORBERT:** Some things never change. (_Bt_) Jiminy Christmas, if I had a nickel for every time Helen got over-involved in something, I'd be a millionaire.

(Everyone around Helen bursts out chuckling, but Jake's chuckle is especially noticeable. Moreover, it lingers after the others have stopped. Helen slumps over and glares sideways at him, resentful.)

**NORBERT:** Like that time she was in the Fourth of July relay race, an' she got **so** mad that the other little girl was winning, she **hurled** herself at the child and knocked her to the ground before she could reach the finish line.

**JAKE:** (_to Helen_) Wow, honey, you did **that**??

**HELEN:** (_weary_) Jake, I was ten years old.

**RITA:** But still, you hurt her badly enough that she wound up in the hospital.

**HELEN:** (_grumbling_) Dammit, I **said** I was sorry. I made her a card...

**GRANDMA:** It's all in the past now, anyway.

(_Beat_)

**NORBERT:** Or what about the time Helen wanted to surprise Howard for his birthday by winning him that new set of golf clubs?

**RITA:** I remember that! (_Bt_) Ooh-hoo, Helen, you got in trouble for that one.

**JAKE:** What d' you **do**, hon?

(_Helen has suddenly gone pale. She doesn't respond._)

**NORBERT:** See, she had entered our annual Fisherman's Fling-off, where the the goal was to see who could hurl a fishing line the farthest and nail the tackle.

**JAKE:** Sounds pretty **neat**!

**NORBERT:** Oh it was, Jacob, it was. (_Bt_) Well, since most of the contestants were boys and were therefore stronger, Helen thought she had to do a big wind-up to make her puppy fly. And when she did --

(_Helen closes her eyes, looking sort of ill._)

**NORBERT:** -- she flung the line **so** far behind her, it got caught in a pine tree on the shore and whipped her out of her boat. The poor thing bounced like a yo-yo and got tangled up in the line.

**JAKE:** No way! Really?? Like a... **yo-yo**?!! (_bursts out laughing._)

**HELEN:** (_whispering_) Jake...

**JAKE:** (_poking her in the ribs_) Aw, come on, honey, that didn't **really** happen, did it? Did it??

**HELEN:** Yes, it happened.

(_Beat_)

**NORBERT:** For three hours she just sort of hung there. The firemen were at their annual convention in Leeville, and it took us forever to find a ladder **long** enough --

**HELEN:** (_to Mr. Norbert. irritated_) Please, would you **just** not say any more??

**NORBERT:** (_oblivious_) See she was **so** high up, and **so** tangled --

**HELEN:** Please, would you be **quiet**?!!

(_Beat_)

**GRANDMA:** (_peevish_) Helen, don't talk to Mr. Norbert that way.

**HELEN:** **Dammit**, Mother, I'll talk however I want. I'm not a **child**.

**GRANDMA:** Then stop acting like one.

**JAKE:** Yeah, honey, relax. You gotta admit: it **does** sound pretty funny.

**HELEN:** Shut up, Jake! No it wasn't!

**RITA:** (_rolling her eyes_) Oh of **course** it was, Helen. (_Bt_) God, you ought to have **some** ability to laugh at yourself.

(_Helen slumps forward and puts a hand to her forehead._)

**HELEN:** How can I?! Dad got so mad at me -- I'd never **seen** him that mad, before!

**NORBERT:** (_to Jake_) Howard finally came by and cut Helen down with one of his army knives.

**GRANDMA:** (_to Helen. pacifying_) But he didn't stay mad at you forever.

**HELEN:** He wouldn't talk to me for two weeks!

**NORBERT:** (_to Jake_) She'd used his favorite fishing pole. (_Bt. shakes his head_) Terrible shame.

**HELEN:** Didn't I ask you to be **quiet**?!!

**GRANDMA:** Helen, **calm** down. You're getting yourself all worked-up over nothing.

**RITA:** Yeah, Helen. You're acting like it happened yesterday.

**JAKE:** Yeah, hon. I mean, I bet you looked kind of cute, all tangled up in that line.

**HELEN:** DAMN IT, JAKE, WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!!!

(Pause. The room becomes quiet. Jake grows pale and looks embarrassed as Helen glowers at him.)

**JAKE:** B-but Helen --

**HELEN:** Can't you say **two** words without sounding like an **idiot**?!!

(Before he can respond, she stands up and quickly leaves the room. Jake wilts. Everyone else looks stunned, except for Grandma Barksdale. She heaves a sigh and shakes her head.)

**JAKE:** Aw geez... (_stands up, grabs a few appetizers._) Gah dammit. Helen, wait!

(_He runs after her._)

**END OF ACT TWO**

[Shot of Helen bolting from the room while everyone looks on.]

You are now entering commercial **HEAVEN**. Laaaaaaaaaaaaa... We're so very happy to have you with us. Just sit back and let yourself be soothed by some of the grooviest commercials put on television.

  * Jack in the Box man: Here's a prime example of commercials that sell you something without **selling** you something. If you've never seen them, they follow the life of Jack, owner of, surprise-surprise, Jack in the Box. Jack's just an ordinary Joe, except for one thing... he's got a huge snowball-shaped head. These commercials carry an air of absurdity, as we see Jack try to figure out why he's different from his competitors. He never suspects that maybe his cranial size has something to do with it. **Anyway, they're hilarious to watch. Some faves:** Jack trying to run for office, and Jack playing catch with his similarly cranial-endowed son.

* **Another** food commercial [let's face it: most of the best commercials on T.V. are **food** related]. M&M's that don't want to be eaten: Great use of computer-generated graphics, and I just love the personalities on these little guys. Plus, how often do we get to see things from food's point-of-view??

* "This is your brain on heroin": The commercial where the girl starts off with the typical cracking an egg in a frying pan stunt, then proceeds to trash the entire kitchen to show a drug addict's effect on other people. It's shocking, it's edgy, and it gets its point across...

You are now leaving commercial **HEAVEN**. Y'all come back soon now, ya hear?

## 

NONE IN THE FAMILY, PART ONE: THE OLD MAN

* * *

**ACT THREE**

SCENE 1 (_Barksdale house, the den_)

(Shot of the outside. Cut to shot of inside, where Amy and Daria have overheard a bit of the commotion. They now turn toward the door and frown.)

**AMY:** What do you suppose **that** was?

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Too much spice in the bean dip?

(_Amy shrugs and they continue to watch T.V._)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 2 (_dining room_)

(Shot of Helen stalking around, obviously in an effort to cool off. Jake comes in.)

**JAKE:** Aw, honey, don't be mad!

**HELEN:** Jake, just leave me alone.

**JAKE:** But geez, you always laugh at **my** scarring childhood experiences.

**HELEN:** Not laugh at, **ignore**. There's a difference.

**JAKE:** Uh... what kind of difference?

(_Beat. Helen stops stalking around and looks him straight in the eye._)

**HELEN:** (_dripping with irritation_) The difference is that **you** bring them up every other day, and turn them into some sort of **pathetic** spectacle. (_Bt_) Whereas **I** never talk about my childhood, so therefore I deserve a little more understanding!

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** (_looking confused_) You do? (_Bt. shakes his head._) Okay then, honey, I'm sorry. I'll never laugh again.

**HELEN:** (_not very receptive_) Hmph.

(_Pause_)

**JAKE:** (_hesitant_) But geez... was it really **necessary** to call me an "idiot" in front of your family and your mother's old friends?

**HELEN:** **Yes**, it was necessary.

**JAKE:** But why??

**HELEN:** Because it **felt** good, all right?!

(_Pause_)

**JAKE:** I see. I think. (_Bt_) But, um, except... geez, now **I'm** a little embarrassed, too.

(_Helen utters a sharp laugh._)

**HELEN:** Well good! You **should** feel embarrassed. God, Jake, you've been making one **stupid** mistake after another since the moment we arrived.

**JAKE:** Oh.

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** Look, I just really need to be by myself right now, all **right**?! Just go back to the party and get Mr. Norbert to tell you some **more** awful stories about me.

**JAKE:** Sure, hon.

(He tries to hug her, but she resists. Jake wilts a little, shakes his head, and turns to leave the room. As soon as he's gone, Helen sinks into one of the dining room chairs.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 2 (_downstairs hallway_)

(Shot of the doorway leading to the living room. We see Jake walking through --after Helen's scornful remark about Mr. Norbert, he's not about to sit down and listen to him talk again. Instead, he starts pacing around just as Helen was doing, a frustrated expression on his face.)

**JAKE:** I really don't **get** her, sometimes. What's the **big** deal?? So I laughed at that **stupid** story -- so what?? It's not like anyone **died**. And it was a long time ago! She gets so **goddamn** touchy...

(He starts walking faster, his face turning beet-red with some of that "talking about Mad Dog Morgendorffer" rage.)

**JAKE:** But it doesn't matter if she's **overreacting**, 'cause Helen's always right and Jakey's always **wrong**. That's how it's **always** been. And she doesn't even care if **my** feelings get hurt, just so long as she can **stay** in the right.

(He stops pacing, waits to catch his breath. Then he collapses against a wall.)

**JAKE:** Never a day goes by when she doesn't tell me how I'm messing up. Nothing's ever good enough for her, unless **she** does it! Boy, when I think of all the years we've been together, the times she's put me down...

(_Cue flashback montage sequence: _)

(Cut to shot of hippie Helen and Jake standing in the midst of a protest rally.)

**HELEN:** (_to Jake_) It's Viet **Cong**, not **Clong**! And **yes**, we support them!

(_Cut to shot of Helen and Jake, recently married._)

**HELEN:** Jake, now **how** is fiddling around with your model train set going to help **pay** the bills?!

(Cut to shot of Helen in a hospital bed, in labor with Daria, while Jake stands over her.)

**HELEN:** Were you even paying **attention** in Lamaze class?!

(_Cut to shot of Helen, Jake, and a very young Daria and Quinn._)

**HELEN:** No, spinning them around in the dryer is **not** an acceptable way to keep them entertained.

(Cut to shot of Helen sitting on the couch with Jake in "Lane Miserables.")

**HELEN:** Honestly, Jake, sometimes I wonder if you know the most rudimentary facts about our girls.

(_Cut to shot of Helen at the dinner table in "That Thing You Say."_)

**HELEN:** What were you **thinking**, rewarding Quinn with the platinum just for saying she **loves** you??!

(End of flashback montage. Cut back to shot of Jake standing in the hallway of the Barksdale house, looking outraged.)

**JAKE:** I don't know politics, I'm not a good breadwinner, and most of all, I'm not smart enough to take care of the girls!! It's enough to drive a man berserk, I tell you! (_Bt. makes fists, speaks in a "Mad Dog" tone._) And **boy**, I'd really love to show her just how **wrong** she is to think of me that way. I think I'll go up to her **right** now and --

(His face suddenly goes pale, as he realizes what it would mean to stand up to Helen.)

**JAKE:** Eap! On second thought...

(He turns and walks quickly down the hallway, in the direction of the den. Pause.)

**DARIA:** (_present off screen voice-over_) So around the time Mom and Dad were probably getting ready to tear out each other's throats, Amy quit whining about being neglected at home and we started to --

**JANE:** (_present off screen voice-over_) Whoa, whoa, **whoa**. Did you say "whining"?

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 3 (_Daria's room, the present_)

(_Shot of Daria and Jane sitting on Daria's bed._)

**JANE:** What's with the harsh language? I thought this woman was, like, your favorite aunt.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Yeah. (_Bt_) But did I mention I'm kind of annoyed with her right now?

**JANE:** You don't say. (_Bt_) Well **this** I gotta -- (_interrupted by the sound of knocking._)

**QUINN:** (_off screen_) Daria? Can I come in?

**DARIA:** Sure.

(Sound of door opening and closing. We see Quinn walking up to Daria and Jane.)

**QUINN:** Mind if I stay in here with you? Dad's still freaking me out.

**DARIA:** What's he doing now?

**QUINN:** He's, like, marching around the house like he's in the army, or something. He just walked up to my mirror and **saluted** it.

**JANE:** Whoa, boy. (_to Daria_) After you call the cardio unit, better make a reservation at the **psychiatric** hospital.

**DARIA:** Nah. Believe it or not, this actually makes sense. I was just reaching the part of my story where things start to turn weird. (_to Quinn_) Have a seat.

(_Quinn sits on the edge of the bed._)

**DARIA:** Amy and I were tired of being trapped in the den, so we started plotting our escape...

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 4 (_Barksdale house earlier that afternoon, the den_)

(_Shot of Amy sitting with Daria._)

**AMY:** (_instructional_) Here's how it'll work: we'll just calmly walk outside and say hello. I'll ask them how they're doing, and if they start to bring up any embarrassing memories about my childhood, that's when you come at them with your patented deadpan.

**DARIA:** (_smirking_) All right. But then what?

**AMY:** Then we make a speedy getaway out the front door to my car. (_Bt_) From there, I could take you to this good diner I know that serves cheese fries. Since Rita was able to exhume all of Mother's old friends, I'm willing to bet that the old guy who runs the place is still there.

**DARIA:** Cool. (_Bt. cocks an eyelid_) But wait -- who says I wouldn't **want** to hear stories about my Aunt Amy's childhood?

**AMY:** (_cocking a brow in return_) I anticipated you might ask that question. And all I can say is that those same people who have embarrassing stories about **me** might also have seen your grandma's **granddaughters** when they were babies...

(_Daria goes a little pale._)

**AMY:** (_smirking_) I bet if I asked, they'd have some **really** interesting mem--

**DARIA:** All right, all **right**. (_Bt. smirks_) God, you're evil.

**AMY:** I try.

(They start to get up. Just then, we hear the sound of the door opening and closing, and see Jake creep on screen.)

**AMY:** Hi, Jake.

**DARIA:** Hey, Dad.

**JAKE:** Um, hey girls. Would ya mind if I sort of stayed in here for a while? I'm trying to lay low.

**AMY:** What happened?

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** Oh... nothing. Just Helen and I had a little tiff. Y' **know**, it'll blow over soon, but until then... (_cowers a little._)

**AMY:** Sure, have a seat. (_gestures at the couch._) We were just leaving, actually.

**JAKE:** Thanks. (walks over, and is about to sit down, when suddenly he sees the photographs on the mantelpiece. face lights up.) Wow! Is that the old man??

**AMY:** (_glancing at the photographs_) Dad? That would be him.

(Jake goes over and takes a closer look. Daria does, too, out of curiosity. Cut to close-up of the photographs. We see Grandpa Barksdale at various stages of his career in the army. He's tall and lean, and exudes such an air of authority that he stands out in any group. His hair is dark, with a slight wave, his face long, and his nose aquiline. In most photographs his arms are folded, and he wears a steely, self-confident smile.)

DARIA; (_to Amy_) Wow, he really **does** look like you.

(_Amy shrugs nonchalantly._)

**JAKE:** (_absorbed in the photos_) Where were most of these taken?

**AMY:** Hmm... some were probably at camps in France or in Korea. And some were probably at army bases here in the U.S. (_Bt_) Wish I could say I remembered where.

**JAKE:** Just **look** at him. He was quite a man, your father.

**AMY:** So I hear.

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** Strong, proud, confident, a **real** role model and an upstanding family man. (_Bt. sentimental_) I remember the talks we used to have...

**AMY:** (_surprised_) Dad let you **talk** to him??

(_Pause_)

**JAKE:** Well... er, not really. (_Bt_) But I always used to **imagine** the things we could talk about if he ever changed his mind. (_Bt_) Boy, it really got me through some rough times.

**AMY:** You don't say.

**JAKE:** But **you**, you actually **did** talk to him. You must've **loved** having him for a father!

(_Pause_)

**AMY:** (_quiet_) You'd be surprised, Jake.

**JAKE:** (_oblivious to all but the photos_) Just look him...

(Beat. Amy shrugs and starts to head over to the door. Then she stops, and watches Jake's worship of her father with some bewilderment.)

**JAKE:** (_to Grandpa Barksdale_) Look at you, you old rascal. Look at you, firm and in control. How did you **do** it??

**DARIA:** Uh, Dad, I don't think he's gonna --

**AMY:** (_to Daria. sensing Jake's need to spill his guts_) Shhhhh...

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** First a star in the army, then you ran your own business and raised a family. An' even now when you're gone, people **still** respect and admire you...

(_Amy sighs noiselessly as Jake talks._)

**JAKE:** Whereas me... well **look** at me! I've been married to the same woman for twenty-three years -- not counting all the years we lived in sin -- and I can't get **any** respect!

(_Daria cocks an eyelid with vague concern._)

**JAKE:** All I ever hear is (_mimicking Helen_) "Jake, you're the back-up singer, Jake, you're so incompetent. (_eyes bulge. drops the falsetto._) Jake, you might as well not even **bother** 'cause I'm so damn **perfect**! I'll handle everything! You just go back to reading your **silly** little newspaper!" **Gah** gah dammit!!

(_Amy and Daria glance at each other._)

**JAKE:** You know what she called me today, in front of everybody?! She called me an **idiot**! An idiot!! Dammit, what's a man to **do**?!

**DARIA:** (_trying to intervene_) Uh, Dad --

**JAKE:** Hey, ya know something?? I **know** what. (_Bt_) Seeing you's made me realize how stupid I am to just hide away in here like a coward. I'm gonna take a page from the book of your life an' **stand** up for myself! (_hard laugh._) Oh yeah, I'll be **just** like you -- strong, confident, take nothing lying down. Just let her **try** and yell at me again!!

**AMY:** (_also trying to intervene_) Jake...

**JAKE:** So **thank** you, old man! You've really come through for me, just like all the other times! (_salutes the photographs. then notices Amy and Daria._) See ya later, girls. I won't be hiding in here, any more!

(_He turns and leaves, and slams the door behind him. Pause._)

**AMY:** (_uneasy_) What do you suppose that was about?

**DARIA:** Don't know. Dad's already had his mid-life crisis.

**AMY:** Does he always get this upset when he fights with your mom?

(_Daria sighs._)

**DARIA:** Hmm... not usually. Although I've definitely seen weirder from him. (_Bt_) Whatever it is, it should pass.

**AMY:** Hope you're right.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** So was Grandpa really as great as Dad made him sound?

**AMY:** You don't remember him?

**DARIA:** Not really.

(_Beat._)

**AMY:** He wasn't bad. (_Bt. sighs_) Actually, I'm not the one to ask. He and I might've shared looks and a vision problem --

**DARIA:** Vision problem?

**AMY:** Yeah. (_Bt. wry_) The "upstanding family man" lied about his vision to get into the army. By the time they caught on, he'd already been promoted faster than anyone else in his unit.

**DARIA:** Wow.

**AMY:** Anyway, as I was saying, our similarities ended there. (_Bt. gets a weary, reflective look._) Dad was a Type-A personality, a real go-getter. Whereas you know how **I** am.

(_She wiggles her brows. Daria smirks._)

**AMY:** In fact, when he retired from the army and took over my grandpa's aluminum siding business, he nearly doubled its profits.

**DARIA:** (_neutral toned_) That's pretty impressive.

**AMY:** Yeah. (_Bt_) And after all his hard work, he would've really **loved** a son to pass on the business to, but he didn't have any he could turn to. (_Bt_) **I'd** blown it years earlier by coming out a girl.

**DARIA:** Oh.

**AMY:** He ended up passing it on to his partner's kid just a few years before he died. (_Bt_) And as payment for my screw-up, I spent years listening to how I was never **this** enough or **that** enough for him. (_Bt. smirks_) You could say we didn't get along.

**DARIA:** That's too bad. (_Bt_) But couldn't you have run the business, anyway?

(_Pause. Amy shakes her head._)

**AMY:** He never offered. To any of us. (_Bt. short laugh_) Sorry, I'm making him sound like a jerk. Really, your **mom's** the one you should talk to about this. **She** had a good relationship with him.

**DARIA:** Okay.

(_Beat. Amy and Daria start to leave the den. Suddenly Amy pauses._)

**AMY:** (_reflective, almost more to herself_) You know it's weird how relationships work. Things can never be just one way. There's always an unexpected and... **unpleasant** twist.

**DARIA:** (_not quite getting it_) Um, yeah.

**AMY:** Jake loves my dad, whereas I... well I... (_shakes her head._) You thought you were over Trent, but now you're not so sure. And I can't stop thinking about my boyfriend, Joel. (_Pause. forces a chuckle, then says softly: _) Well... I guess he's my **ex**-boyfriend, now.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** You had a boyfriend?

(_Meanwhile, cut to: _)

SCENE 5 (_living room_)

(Shot of Grandma Barksdale, Rita, and the others still gathered around the couch and chairs, talking. Suddenly we see Jake storm through, looking angry.)

**JAKE:** Helen?! Gah **dammit**, where are you?!!

(Grandma Barksdale and Rita watch him go, stunned. Then Grandma Barksdale shakes her head.)

**GRANDMA:** (_exasperated_) **Honestly**, the way he and Helen are carrying on... He'll have another heart attack if he doesn't watch himself. (_Bt_) I'm glad you're not like that, Rita dear.

**RITA:** (_patting her mom's hand_) **Definitely** not, Mother.

(_Beat_)

**GRANDMA:** Um, sweetheart, would you ask your date to sit upright? He's drooling on one of my good cushions.

(Rita looks, sees that Jimmy has fallen asleep so that his cheek is pressed against the back cushion. She sighs, rolls her eyes, and flings her hands in the air.)

(_Meanwhile, cut to: _)

SCENE 6 (_den_)

(_Shot of Daria and Amy standing as before._)

**AMY:** Yeah. (_Pause_) For over two years. It was sort of an opposites-attract story. I'm in the humanities, he's Mr. Engineer. But we shared a love of all things twisted, and the relationship just grew from there.

**DARIA:** Oh.

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** (_sounding only remotely like she's talking to Daria_) God, it still gives me chills when I think about how he drove me to Salem, Mass. for our anniversary. **Damn**, that was sweet...

**DARIA:** Hmm...

**AMY:** Anyway, I won't bore you with the details of our break-up. (_Bt. again reflective_) But still, **God**, he could be such a sweetheart. I mean how many guys would take the trouble to learn your special places? Most men just drop their shorts and take whatever they can --

**DARIA:** Don't know.

(Beat. Amy realizes what she's been saying and snaps back to earth. She chuckles a little.)

**AMY:** Ugh, I sound like a babbling idiot. Love messes with your mind, Daria, let me tell you. (_Bt. groans_) I mean hell, I'm **used** to being alone. I **like** it. I've been on my own my **whole** life. (_Bt_) But now I can't stop thinking: two years of my life with this one person, and he's gone...

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** (_stiffly_) I'm sorry.

**AMY:** Thanks for your concern. (_Bt_) But enough about that -- let's go put our plan into action.

**DARIA:** Sure.

(She lags behind Amy a little. Amy senses her sudden wane in enthusiasm, turns to look at her, and frowns.)

**AMY:** Uh-oh. What's wrong?

**DARIA:** What d' you mean?

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** You just seem quiet all of the sudden.

**DARIA:** So?

**AMY:** So -- it's not like you. What's up?

(_Daria rolls her eyes._)

**DARIA:** (_a bit peevish_) Not like me? How would **you** know??

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** Daria, I'm your aunt, and I'm psychic. (_Bt_) Now I didn't bore you with all my love talk, did I?

**DARIA:** No. (_Bt_) I'm sorry you broke up with your boyfriend.

**AMY:** (_playfully exasperated_) Why do I not believe you?

**DARIA:** (_annoyed_) Why should it matter?

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** Ah, maybe it shouldn't. (_Bt_) Well if I didn't bore you, then why the sudden mood shift?

**DARIA:** I'm not sure.

**AMY:** **Come** on...

(_Daria rolls her eyes again._)

**DARIA:** Gee, you're acting pretty **aggressive** for someone who's usually so laid-back. (_Bt_) All right, you want to know what's wrong, I'll tell you. I **am** sorry you broke up with your boyfriend -- but it's not like I ever knew the guy.

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** (_puzzled_) Well of course you don't know him. I never thought you did.

**DARIA:** You never even mentioned him 'til today.

**AMY:** Hmm, I s'pose that's true. But so what?

**DARIA:** (_awkward_) So... it's just sort of weird, that's all. (_Bt_) I've told you about my feelings for Trent.

(_Beat. Amy chuckles softly and rolls her eyes._)

**AMY:** (_gentle_) Daria, adult relationships have a few more twists and turns than your average high school crush. They can get pretty messy -- and I'm not sure young ears can handle all the details. (_chuckles again, remembering her little slip-up earlier._)

(_Now Daria rolls her eyes, though not with mirth._)

**DARIA:** That makes sense.

**AMY:** (_sensing sarcasm_) You sure??

**DARIA:** Yeah. (_Bt_) You don't think I'm capable of understanding your relationships.

**AMY:** (_groaning a little_) No, no, that's not what I'm saying...

**DARIA:** So there's another reason?

**AMY:** (_slightly peevish_) No, there **is** no other reason. (_Bt_) Gee, you're acting sort of **touchy** for someone who's usually so blaze« about everything.

**DARIA:** Oh sure. Touchy. (_Bt_) It's okay for me to tell you everything about Trent, but your relationship was too mysterious and special to even mention to me.

(_Beat. Again, Amy groans softly, looking resigned._)

**AMY:** Look, Daria, it wasn't just you, okay?? I didn't tell anybody.

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Oh. (_Bt_) How come?

(_Pause_)

**AMY:** (_looking uneasy_) It's... complicated.

(_Daria cocks an eyelid._)

**DARIA:** Well while you're trying to figure it out, I'll go back to the party. See you later.

(She quickly leaves the den. Amy puts out a hand as if to stop her, then lets it drop. She decides not to pursue, and instead walks out the door slowly.)

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 7 (_living room_)

(Cut to shot of Quinn standing by the stairs. Her arms are folded and she looks sulky. Daria comes up and stands beside her.)

**DARIA:** (_deadpan_) So, having fun?

(_Beat_)

**QUINN:** **No**. This party sucks. I wanna go home.

**DARIA:** Me, too.

(Cut to shot of Amy on the other side of the room, making her way over to the hub of the party. Suddenly she bumps into Mr. Petersen, who, naturally, grips her in another bone-crunching hug.)

**PETERSEN:** There's my Amy-meister!

**AMY:** (_trying to sound civil. squirming_) It's nice to see you, Mr. Petersen, but --

(_Mr. Petersen reaches up to muss her hair. Amy frowns._)

**PETERSEN:** Yer quite the little ball of trouble, ain't ya?? Always disappearing somewhere.

**AMY:** Only when it helps me avoid something **unpleasant**. (_pointed glance at Mr. Petersen._)

(_Beat_)

**PETERSEN:** (_oblivious_) Howard always did talk about you being a handful.

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** (_somewhat defensive_) I was no worse than the average kid.

(_Mr. Petersen squeezes her harder._)

**PETERSEN:** **Sure**, ya weren't, darlin'. Sure ya weren't.

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** Look, I've enjoyed talking with you, but --

**PETERSEN:** C'mon now, plant a big **wet** one on old Mr. Petersen's cheek.

(_Pause. Amy wiggles hard and manages to release herself from his grip._)

**AMY:** (_firm_) Mr. Petersen, I don't know how to break this to you, but I'm **not** five years old, any more. (_Bt_) I didn't like your pushiness then, and I certainly don't now. Good bye.

(_She leaves him looking stunned._)

(Cut to shot of Helen, who's just emerged from another hiding place. She looks noticeably calmer, but still grouchy. Amy walks up to her.)

**AMY:** Well you're looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

**HELEN:** (_weary sarcastic_) Ha-ha.

(_Beat_)

**AMY:** So what hap --?

(_Just then, we hear off screen: _)

**JAKE:** Helen!

(_He charges up to them, looking as enraged as he did earlier._)

**JAKE:** Helen, I want a word with you!

**AMY:** Oops, I'd better go. (_quickly slips away._)

**HELEN:** What, Jake? Calm down.

**JAKE:** (_hypercharged_) Calm down?! There's no **way** I'm gonna calm down!

**HELEN:** Jake, **please**. You're being too loud and getting yourself all stressed-out. You don't want another heart attack, do you??

**JAKE:** (_a little placated_) Um, no.

**HELEN:** Of **course** you don't. Now just stand here with me and try not to embarrass yourself any more.

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** Embarrass myself?? (_gets enraged all over again._) Who's embarrassing himself --?!!

(Cut to shot of Grandma Barksdale sitting with Rita and the rest. Amy comes over and slides into a chair next to her mother. Grandma Barksdale doesn't show any sign of noticing. She's talking to Rita about Jimmy.)

**RITA:** ... But he seemed so **nice** when I met him at that Irish pub last Saturday.

**GRANDMA:** Now, now, sweetheart, sometimes life throws you a lemon. You just have to put him in the garbage disposal and move on.

(_Rita sighs._)

**RITA:** I guess you're right.

**GRANDMA:** It's like how it was with Paul --

**RITA:** Who?

**GRANDMA:** You know, that man... er, let me see... the one who came before Jerry. (_Bt_) Oh, and Phil.

**RITA:** Phil came after Larry and before Kyle.

**AMY:** (_hushed_) And so we move to Round Two of the Dating Game.

**RITA:** What?!

(Pause. Grandma Barksdale puts up a hand for her to not say any more. Looks at Amy and cocks a brow.)

**GRANDMA:** (_coolly_) Well, Amy, so nice of you to finally join us.

**AMY:** (_can't think of a clever excuse_) I got a little sidetracked.

**GRANDMA:** For **three** hours?

**AMY:** (_shrugging_) Hard to believe, I know. (_Bt_) Wait, you mean to tell me you actually **wondered** where I was?

**GRANDMA:** (_exasperated_) Well why wouldn't I?? It was your duty to be out here as much as your sisters'.

(_Pause_)

**AMY:** (_meek_) You're right. I'm sorry.

(_Beat_)

**GRANDMA:** Because of you, they had to more than pick up the slack.

**AMY:** Look, I said... (_groans softly and rolls her eyes._) Well I gotta say, Mom: this must be the first time you've -- (_stops as Jake's voice rises up._)

(Amy, Grandma Barksdale, and Rita turn their attention to what's going on between Jake and Helen.)

**RITA:** **Now** what??

(Cut to shot of Jake and Helen. Suddenly the room goes still, except for them.)

**JAKE:** **Dammit**, you never let me say anything!!

**HELEN:** **Jake**, you can say everything you need to say at **home**. But right now, you're embarrassing me in front of all these other people who've **embarrassed** me and I am **fed** up. Just be **quiet**!

**JAKE:** Ohhh **no**, I'm gonna say what I came to say, **gah** dammit!

**GRANDMA:** (_off screen. exasperated_) What is going **on**, you two??

(_Beat. Jake and Helen pause briefly in their ranting._)

**HELEN:** Nothing, Mother. We're **fine**.

**JAKE:** Oh **yeah**?! Well I say it's **something**, an' we're **not** fine!!

**HELEN:** Jake, what on **earth** has gotten into you?!

**JAKE:** Nothing but a little **self**-respect, gah dammit! I'm a man, **dammit**, a man!!

(_Cut to shot of Daria and Quinn watching, absorbed._)

**DARIA:** (_remembering Jake's "talk" with Grandpa Barksdale_) Good God.

(_Pause_)

**DARIA:** (_present off screen voice-over_) See, usually when Mom and Dad argue, Mom just gives Dad a dirty look and Dad goes back to reading his newspaper. End of argument...

(_Cut to shot of Jake and Helen._)

**HELEN:** (_rolling her eyes_) A **man**?? A **child's** more like it.

**JAKE:** **Gah** dammit, don't talk to me that way! You never let me say anything or **do** anything!!

**DARIA:** (_present off screen voice-over_) But this time, something about Grandpa Barksdale really got to Dad. 'Cause he just wasn't taking it any more...

**HELEN:** All right, Jake, all **right**. (_Bt. irritated_) You want to **say** something, then **say** it. **Right** now. You've **already** ruined everyone's good time.

(Pause. Jake looks sort of shocked -- he hadn't expected Helen to consent. He then exhales and sobers up.)

**JAKE:** You, uh... you won't let me shave over the kitchen sink.

**HELEN:** **What**??

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** And, um... you hate my cooking.

**HELEN:** (_now really irritated_) So **what**?! For **God's** sake, Jake, is that **all** you're upset about??

**JAKE:** No! I was just getting warmed up! (_Bt_) You, uh, won't let me make any decisions.

**HELEN:** (_rolling her eyes_) Oh **come** on.

**JAKE:** No, it's true! You never let me do **anything** myself!

**HELEN:** Name **one** time --

**JAKE:** File a tax return, shop for new linoleum, iron the bed linens, plan our vacations...

(_Helen blushes, realizing that what he's saying is true._)

**HELEN:** (_annoyed_) I said **one** time, Jake. (_Bt_) And each of **those** times, I had to bail you out because you were making a **mess** of things!

**JAKE:** Oh yeah?! How would **you** know?! You never let me finish what I started. Maybe everything would've turned out just **fine**!

**HELEN:** Maybe, Jake, but I highly doubt it. Look, this really **is** stuff we should be discussing at --

**JAKE:** No, **one** more thing!

**HELEN:** **What**?!!

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** You don't trust me with the girls!

(_Beat_)

**HELEN:** Don't **trust** you with the girls?? What on **earth** do you mean??

**JAKE:** I mean you never listen to my opinions about them. It's just "Jake, be the back-up singer"!

**HELEN:** Back-up... he's... (glances at the other people in the room and tries to make light. chuckles a little with embarrassment.)

**JAKE:** Everything has to be done **your** way. That's how it's always been, and it's time things changed!

(_Pause. Helen presses her lips together and rolls her eyes._)

**HELEN:** (_dripping with irritation, vaguely condescending_) Oh you think so, Jake? (_Bt_) And just **how** do you propose to change things??

(_Jake stomps one foot on the ground, military-style._)

**JAKE:** **How**?? I'll tell you how! I'm gonna start acting like a **real** man, which means taking control of my life. And first thing I'm gonna do is take charge of our **marriage**!

(_Cut to shot of Amy, head in hand, watching._)

**AMY:** (_muttering under her breath_) Thank you, Dad.

(Resume shot of Jake and Helen. Helen looks outraged now, as well as irritated.)

**HELEN:** Take **charge** of our marriage?? Jake, would you **listen** to yourself?? (_Bt_) Now **what** on earth's made you feel the need to go off like some kind of misogynistic **tyrant**??

**JAKE:** I'm not the tyrant, Helen -- **you** are.

(_Pause_)

**HELEN:** (_stunned_) Wh-what did you...?

(_Beat_)

**JAKE:** (_a little more sober_) I called you a tyrant. (_Pause_) I'm sorry, honey, but it needed to be said.

(Pause. Helen's expression changes from stunned to genuinely hurt. For several seconds, she can't speak. Finally she does her best to shore up her dignity with a sharp, sarcastic laugh.)

**HELEN:** I can't believe you said... (_Bt_) A ty-, a tyrant. (_Bt. glances in Daria and Quinn's direction._) Did you **hear** that?? (glances in Grandma Barksdale, Amy, and Rita's direction. in an angrier tone.) Did you hear what he just **called** me?!

(Most everyone else in the room is too shocked or uncomfortable to break in. Grandma Barksdale appears resigned -- she knows there's nothing she can do to calm things down now. Helen turns to Jake.)

**HELEN:** (_angry_) Well if I'm a tyrant, Jake Morgendorffer, it's not because I've had a **choice**. If you had shown one **ounce** of common sense during the years we've been married --

**JAKE:** You've never given me the chance!

**HELEN:** You've never **earned** it! (_Bt_) I mean, my God, sometimes I look at you and I can't **believe** you can be so incompetent. (_Bt_) No one else in their right mind would make as many **gross** errors in parental judgment as **you** have.

**JAKE:** Oh yeah?! Name **one**.

(_Helen laughs sharply._)

**HELEN:** Well for starters, the **least** you could do is get the girls' ages right! (_Bt. to the other people_) Did you know he thought Quinn was eleven?! [*] see "Lane Miserables"

(_Cut to shot of Daria and Quinn._)

**QUINN:** (_to Jake_) You thought I was **eleven**?!!

(_Resume shot of Jake and Helen._)

**JAKE:** That was just a **minor** oversight! A miscalculation...

**HELEN:** And there's **plenty** more where that came from.

**JAKE:** I've done really well with them, otherwise. You've just never noticed!

**HELEN:** Never noticed? Boy, wouldn't I sure **like** to notice. I'd like to know that there's something **there** inside you for me to trust. (_Bt_) You know Jake, sometimes I wonder how we've stayed married for so long.

**JAKE:** I've been wondering the same thing!

(_Pause_)

**HELEN:** (_terse_) Well if that's what we're both thinking, then maybe what we need is some time apart.

**JAKE:** I'm fine with that.

**HELEN:** Then you could prove to the world what a **great** man you'd be without me.

**JAKE:** You bet I will! The girls an' I can --

**HELEN:** The girls??

**JAKE:** Yeah, the **girls**!

(_Pause_)

**HELEN:** Oh yes, fine, the **girls**. The girls and you can just go off somewhere and you can apply all those remarkable parenting skills that I've **never** seen.

**JAKE:** Sounds great. And we'll start now!

**HELEN:** **Now**?!

**JAKE:** Why **not**? (_Bt_) Come on, girls -- we're **leaving**!

(Pause. Daria and Quinn remain rooted in their spot by the stairs. They glance at each other, deeply concerned. Meanwhile Helen's glaring at Jake, her eyes narrowed.)

**HELEN:** Jake, you're being **ridiculous**.

**JAKE:** And you're just afraid to let them out of your sight!

**HELEN:** That's **not** what I'm thinking at all, but if you want feel that way, **fine**. I'll show you who's the real tyrant.

(_Beat. She turns to look at Daria and Quinn._)

**HELEN:** Come on, girls -- you heard what your father said! Come say good bye to all the company!

(_Pause. Neither Daria nor Quinn makes a move._)

**HELEN:** (_off screen_) Girls!!

(Beat. Daria slowly moves away from the stairs and walks toward her parents. Quinn reluctantly follows. As she's walking Daria glances imploringly at Amy, but the expression on Amy's face tells her she's unable to help. When Daria reaches Helen and Jake, she looks pointedly at Helen.)

**DARIA:** Um... so we'll see you later... Mom?

(_Pause. Helen glares sideways at Jake and doesn't respond._)

**JANE:** (_present off screen voice-over_) Whoa...

(_cut to: _)

SCENE 8 (_Daria's room, the present_)

(_Shot of Jane, Daria, and Quinn seated on Daria's bed._)

**JANE:** So that's what set off your dad's bid to be in the Indianapolis 500?

**DARIA:** You mean our joyride from hell? (_Bt_) Yeah, that pretty much did it.

(_Beat_)

**JANE:** Intense, I gotta say...

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** Yeah. (_Bt_) But bad as that ride in the car was, you want to know what really scared me?

**JANE:** What?

(_Beat_)

**DARIA:** The fact that I've never known my dad to be this serious before. It makes me wonder: what's gonna happen next?

TO BE CONTINUED.........

**** [roll the credits.........................]

Okay, there's no COMMENTARY for this one, 'cause I'm saving all my commentary for the second half. Instead, I just have many, many **Points of Interest**...

* Evelyn and Howard Barksdale's marriage, according to the Kara Wild canon:

Taking into account "Lawndale years," the year in which this fic is set would be 1998. Thus, Helen's parents were married in 1948.

As I have it envisioned, Howard Barksdale joined up to fight in World War II when he was 20 years old, in 1943. He then stayed in the army, fought in Korea, and traveled to army bases around the country with his wife and first two children. Then, when he realized that his long-awaited "son" was on the way (_circa 1961_), he retired to Rutherford and took over his father's business. See "The Tie That Chokes" for more details.

* The age ladder: here's how I think the ages stack up...

Helen: 1-3 years older than Rita, 8-12 years older than Amy

Howard Barksdale: 3 years older than Evelyn, making her 72 in 1998. (Don't know -- maybe the rest of you saw her as younger, but this age seemed right to me.)

Many people have speculated that Rita is, in fact, the oldest of the three sisters. I'll admit I thought that initially, but the way their personalities flow, it **would** seem natural for Helen to be the oldest. Plus, "I Don't" was chock-full of disapproval toward youth marriage; since Rita mentioned there that she'd made a few "bad decisions," my guess is that she married young, perhaps late teens or early 20's. But we won't really know until the show actually says...

* Rita with more bite: I don't know if you've noticed, but I made Rita somewhat nastier than she appears in "I Don't." There, she struck me as strangely passive, almost like a space cadet. Since Amy said that she and Helen used to "go at it," I figured that perhaps she was just being civil for the wedding. Helen's pretty aggressive; if Rita were really that passive, all of their arguments would be one-sided. Anyway, it makes it more fun, doesn't it? :-)

* Why Amy looks like Grandpa Barksdale: Because Helen and Amy look so different, I figured they must get their looks from two different parents. Amy's aquiline nose seemed like something that would come from Dad , so I decided to make her the spittin' image of her father. It sets up all kinds of psychological dilemmas...

* Amy predictions: With my luck, the new "Daria" book coming out will blow my canon material out of the water, so here are some predictions about the Famous Aunt...

Title of episode where she'll appear: "Chasing Amy"

**Occupation:** I could see her as

  1. a publisher, 
  2. a web page designer, 
  3. strangely enough, an accountant, or 
  4. also strangely enough, an investor. I could **not** see her as

    1. a doctor (_and only marginally a vet_), 
    2. someone who works in the public eye.

Isn't it funny how she's only made **two** appearances, yet we in Fanficland have just run with her??

You on the L.C. board know how I love to make predictions. :-) You also know how often I'm wrong...

**Acknowledgements:** Thanks to C.L. Basso for all your hard work. I'll explain more about your efforts in my next postscript. :-)

If you'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu.

It's not quite over, yet, folks. My second part should be out in a week, so stay tuned... and thanks for reading!

This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright August 1999. All rights reserved.


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